I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
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