im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
