Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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