I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
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There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
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