My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
