Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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