then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
i out mim tonsoeep
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