I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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