Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
honey bunches of taint.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
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