Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
