he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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