Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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