My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
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