First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
