During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
You dont lie about slip and slides
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
