in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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