I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
