it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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