This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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