it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
