If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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