btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Randomize
