Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
