My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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