Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
