know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
