i just wanna soil my oats bro
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
