i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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