The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
