Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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