your parents love me but you hate me
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
