I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
PS: I just woke up from my shower
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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