"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
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Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
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We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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