Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Did I show you my penis last night?
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
