dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
