Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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