i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
