Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
