I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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