I got chris browned last night
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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