Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
