I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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