Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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