i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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