I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
