I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
