I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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