Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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