Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
We left the knife in your bed.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
