A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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