I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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