just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
