I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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