Moan for me like Helen Keller
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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