dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
